Our Hope
At the very beginning of our journey, we spoke of our hope. We had and will always have, HOPE for Hazel. Hope that she will pull through this time in life, cancer-free. Hope that her scars be minimal. Hope that the cancer never returns. Hope that she lives a long, healthy life. Hope that her body have minimal side effects from chemo. Hope that she'll be able to bear children if she desires. Hope that this diagnosis and it's life-altering effects don't define her or slow her down. Hope that she'll be stronger on the other side of the bell. And most of all, Hope that she embraces her story and uses it to lead people to Christ.
People have commented to me about my faith and hope through this journey. Well I'm here to tell you that this level & intensity of hope isn't easy. It's not our human nature to be optimistic in the face of such a diagnosis as the big C, especially when it's affecting your child. My hope doesn't come because I am an eternal optimist, in fact if anything, because of my fearful nature, I am more pessimistic in these type of situations. My hope comes from one place, one person.....God.
God promises us hope of an eternal life with Him if we turn from sin, accept his free gift of salvation, and follow Him. I know that He created Hazel in his image and that she's beautiful in his eyes. He made her and knew this would be part of her story. But in all things we are to glorify him and trust in his plan for our life, even the life of my dear baby. It's hard to imagine, but he loves her infinitely more than we do as her parents. How that's possible is inconceivable to my human brain, but I know it's true. He is the great physician and there's no doctor, treatment, or diagnosis that can stop him from seeing his will through. That almighty God, the maker of all things, the one who knows all, created and loves my Hazel more than me. So it is in Him that I put my trust. No matter how hard this road has been, I know that God is in control, today and for all of our days. It is in Him that we find Hope: hope for our earthly days, but even more important, hope for our eternity- an eternity spent with Him.
Recently Ryan and I were able to escape together to a water lantern festival in Boise. It's a rare occasion these days that we get out alone, but I'm so glad we did this night. It was both of our first times going and so we didn't know what to expect. A lot of people there were making lanterns in honor of lost loved ones, but others wrote of their hopes and dreams, or their love and dedication to Christ. Before the lanterns were set to release on the water, there was a time dedicated to those who wanted to share about their lanterns. Well if you know me, you know I don't like to bring attention to myself, especially through public speaking. As I sat there finishing up my lantern and listening to stories (mostly kids sharing up to this point), I felt led to share my lantern. As soon as we were given the instructions to decorate the four sides of our lantern, I knew my lantern would be dedicated to Hazel. It's been a mentally, physically, and emotionally excruciating 9 months battling for our little girl's life, but the end is in sight! I knew what I wanted to put down on that lantern. I wanted to fill that lantern with hope and I wanted to be able to release it on the water and watch it float away. I wanted to let go of all the tension, heartache, worries, and stress that these last months have brought. Not to say there won't be more moments of all those things in the future (especially for the next 5 years), but it's finally time that I can exhale. We're almost there.... only 2 rounds left!
So as I stood on that stage and tried to quickly tell our story, through a nervous voice, I pray our story of hope landed on just one person's ears and changed their outlook and faith in life.
Ryan and I were sitting near the water's edge where people assembled to release their lanterns. As we watched the crowds come and go, waiting for a perfect time that we could go up and quietly release our lanterns, two separate women tapped me on the shoulder and asked for Hazel's name to include in their prayers and to pass along encouragement to us. They may have been nervous approaching a stranger, but I'm so glad they did. Their courage really touched me and fueled my hope.
As I watched our lanterns drift off toward all the others, I noticed something. When I set my lantern in the water, I faced the "Hope for Hazel" side towards me. But with the current, my lantern turned, and now it was the cross side facing me. It never turned again until it was out of sight. There it sat, on its own trajectory and not near any other lantern, and the cross glowed and reflected off the water for me to see. I felt it was a reminder from God that he's in control. He's got me, he's got Ryan, but more importantly, he's got Hazel. So I gladly continue to turn my gaze to heaven, to the one and only God, who supplies all of our hope.
Romans 5:3-5 "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Psalm 62:5-6 "Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken."
People have commented to me about my faith and hope through this journey. Well I'm here to tell you that this level & intensity of hope isn't easy. It's not our human nature to be optimistic in the face of such a diagnosis as the big C, especially when it's affecting your child. My hope doesn't come because I am an eternal optimist, in fact if anything, because of my fearful nature, I am more pessimistic in these type of situations. My hope comes from one place, one person.....God.
God promises us hope of an eternal life with Him if we turn from sin, accept his free gift of salvation, and follow Him. I know that He created Hazel in his image and that she's beautiful in his eyes. He made her and knew this would be part of her story. But in all things we are to glorify him and trust in his plan for our life, even the life of my dear baby. It's hard to imagine, but he loves her infinitely more than we do as her parents. How that's possible is inconceivable to my human brain, but I know it's true. He is the great physician and there's no doctor, treatment, or diagnosis that can stop him from seeing his will through. That almighty God, the maker of all things, the one who knows all, created and loves my Hazel more than me. So it is in Him that I put my trust. No matter how hard this road has been, I know that God is in control, today and for all of our days. It is in Him that we find Hope: hope for our earthly days, but even more important, hope for our eternity- an eternity spent with Him.
Recently Ryan and I were able to escape together to a water lantern festival in Boise. It's a rare occasion these days that we get out alone, but I'm so glad we did this night. It was both of our first times going and so we didn't know what to expect. A lot of people there were making lanterns in honor of lost loved ones, but others wrote of their hopes and dreams, or their love and dedication to Christ. Before the lanterns were set to release on the water, there was a time dedicated to those who wanted to share about their lanterns. Well if you know me, you know I don't like to bring attention to myself, especially through public speaking. As I sat there finishing up my lantern and listening to stories (mostly kids sharing up to this point), I felt led to share my lantern. As soon as we were given the instructions to decorate the four sides of our lantern, I knew my lantern would be dedicated to Hazel. It's been a mentally, physically, and emotionally excruciating 9 months battling for our little girl's life, but the end is in sight! I knew what I wanted to put down on that lantern. I wanted to fill that lantern with hope and I wanted to be able to release it on the water and watch it float away. I wanted to let go of all the tension, heartache, worries, and stress that these last months have brought. Not to say there won't be more moments of all those things in the future (especially for the next 5 years), but it's finally time that I can exhale. We're almost there.... only 2 rounds left!
So as I stood on that stage and tried to quickly tell our story, through a nervous voice, I pray our story of hope landed on just one person's ears and changed their outlook and faith in life.
Ryan and I were sitting near the water's edge where people assembled to release their lanterns. As we watched the crowds come and go, waiting for a perfect time that we could go up and quietly release our lanterns, two separate women tapped me on the shoulder and asked for Hazel's name to include in their prayers and to pass along encouragement to us. They may have been nervous approaching a stranger, but I'm so glad they did. Their courage really touched me and fueled my hope.
As I watched our lanterns drift off toward all the others, I noticed something. When I set my lantern in the water, I faced the "Hope for Hazel" side towards me. But with the current, my lantern turned, and now it was the cross side facing me. It never turned again until it was out of sight. There it sat, on its own trajectory and not near any other lantern, and the cross glowed and reflected off the water for me to see. I felt it was a reminder from God that he's in control. He's got me, he's got Ryan, but more importantly, he's got Hazel. So I gladly continue to turn my gaze to heaven, to the one and only God, who supplies all of our hope.
Romans 5:3-5 "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Psalm 62:5-6 "Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken."
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